Reading Pride and Prejudice the Closest Thing Most First-Years Will Get to Sex this Semester

Breaking: Reading Pride and Prejudice the Closest Thing Most First-Years Will Get to Sex this Semester

By Zoe Davidson, handsome enough to tempt Mr. Darcy


Artwork by Mel Wang

Artwork by Mel Wang

EXCLUSIVE—A just-published study commissioned by The Federalist has found that reading Pride and Prejudice will be the closest thing 94% of Columbia College first-years get to having sex this semester. “I cannot WAIT for Jane Austen on the Lit Hum syllabus. Especially on the heels of Confessions, I’m just so hyped to read about all the sexual tension at Pemberley,” said one first-year respondent. “Is it because I literally haven’t been in the same room with someone my age since March 2020? Maybe. Is it because the closest thing to cuddling I’ve done this year is hugging my Calc textbook for comfort? Maybe. ”

Another student added, “On Valentine’s Day, I’m actually planning on printing out a photo of Colin Firth emerging from the lake in the 1995 BBC adaptation of the book. I think I’ll cut him out, attach him to some cardboard from an Amazon box, and then whisper sweet nothings into his ear while I finish the chapters my teacher assigned.”

According to one Butler librarian, the library has actually instituted a rule that says first-year students are not allowed to check out Pride and Prejudice any more, after several copies were returned with lotion-stained finger prints and torn pages. “Yeah, we’ve had to set up select locations in the library where students are allowed to read the book. We cranked up the AC and installed super florescent lights to try to kill any possibility of a romantic mood.”

Of the 6% of survey respondents who did not report that Pride and Prejudice would be the pinnacle of their freshman sex lives, only a fraction are actually having sex. The rest are just slacking off and not planning on doing the reading.