Tesla Deemed Essential Business after Roadster Used as $200,000 Toilet Paper

Tesla Deemed Essential Business after Roadster Used as $200,000 Toilet Paper

By Garrison Grogan


After an unnerving few days of worry over whether the Gigafactory would close, Tesla has been declared an essential business by the state of Nevada, due to the current toilet paper shortage.

“I was really unsure of the decision at first, but then I saw a guy on the street just jam his hand up there, take out a shit, and smear it all over a Roadster parked in three handicapped spots. Right then and there, I knew Tesla had to stay open, with the TP shortages and all. Hell, I’ll bring my morning B. M. in a Ziplock baggie for that shithead that parks in my spot. Fucking bastard,” said Nevada governor Steve Sisolak.

“This will give all Nevadans the opportunity to thank Elon personally for all he’s done for the state of Nevada, and to get one over on that DINK neighbor,” reads the official press release from the governor’s office.

Unreachable for comment, Musk quickly applauded the governor’s action in a series of tweets: 

“You know, it’s really great what they did. The toilet paper shortage is quite bad, nearly the level it was in the mines I owned back during aparth—I mean, back in the home country. We will introduce a new model, the model TP.”

“The TP shortage is real, especially in space. It’s hard to get up there, but the ISS will soon make use of the car I sent them. With these new and diverse uses for our vehicles, I will conquer the stars by the millions. #SpaceTP #Shit-Shine #BoostMyStockTo600Plebs”