Penis Fountains Circumcised in Honor of Hanukkah

 Penis Fountains Circumcised in Honor of Hanukkah

By Lauren Unterburger, giving the fountains a much needed facelift


Between campus Christmas lights and virtual holiday concerts, Columbia University has been extra festive this holiday season. This Festival of Lights, CU took its Hanukkah Chutzpah to the next level, in an announcement made by President Bollinger earlier this month: 

“Here at Columbia, we love Jews! We love Jews so much that we actively chose to remove the swastika drawn on Low Steps on October 9th, 2020, the swastika found on the 16th floor of East Campus mid-February 2020, and the swastika found on the 16th floor of East Campus the week of March 15, 2020. 
Ah ha, but don’t worry about all that! 
By the way, we’re going to circumcise the Penis fountains for Hanukkah. 
That makes up for everything, right???

The bris of the Penis Fountains in front of Low Library will be broadcasted virtually over Zoom, so you and your loved ones can join in the Hanukkah spirit. Roar-ee the Lion will be serving as the mohel, while wearing a spirit-yarmulke from the campus Bookstore. If you register in advance, Prezbo will personally send you a do-it-yourself circumcision kit, so that you can follow along at home. 

Happy Hanukkah from The Federalist and Happy Snipping!