Off-Campus Columbia First Year Excited to Celebrate Halloween with Backyard Home Depot Skeleton

Off-Campus Columbia First Year Excited to Celebrate Halloween with Backyard Home Depot Skeleton

By Anushka Thorat, putting up Christmas decorations next week


Artwork by Katherine Chen

Artwork by Katherine Chen

DESPAIR, MN: Last Sunday, Adam Brown (CC’24) eagerly discussed his plans with Federalist reporters for “a funky Halloween night out” with the family’s Home Depot Skeleton. “I’m stoked to hang with Gary”, said Adam, pointing to a slumped skeleton in his bed. “It’s been nice to finally have a friend. It’s refreshing to talk to someone, you know? And I feel like he really listens… unlike my therapist who keeps ghosting me on Zoom because I ‘bum her the fuck out.’ He’s like the college roommate I’ll never get to have.” 

When asked what he planned to do on Halloween, Adam responded enthusiastically, “Oh Gare-Bear and I are going out to my favorite spot in town! It’s where I have all my daily mid-afternoon screams. I’ve been bringing him along for company since the seasonal depression’s kicking in.”

Adam went on to address the atypicality of his college life so far: “I know I might not have the ‘normal’ college experience or friends or parties or mental stability or like happiness or whatever, but I got Gary. Sometimes I reach for his hand in the middle of lecture and pretend he’s the cute girl from my LitHum class. I’m not drinking alone anymore because he’s there to see me pass out on the radiator, like an incompetent CAVA! When it all felt hopeless after I got a 17% on my Calc midterm, I looked into those big, empty eye sockets and just knew everything would be alright. What more could anyone possibly ask for?”