A Letter From The Feditors

 A Letter from The Feditors

Dear Lifelong Adherents to Social Isolation,

This Coronavirus Special Edition is brought to you by The Federalist, Columbia’s only newspaper deemed an essential service. Though Governor Cuomo insisted that all the machines at our printshop be melted down and repurposed as ventilators, the news must march on.

On March 5, 2020, we at The Federalist released an article entitled “Bollinger Cancels Classes Due to Coronavirus: Columbia Closes Campus, Creating Covid Conniption.” At the time of publication, that article was just satire—albeit satire graced with some compellingly convincing alliteration. But less than a week later, the idea of the University closing its doors was satire no longer: our jokes had ascended into the plane of reality. 

Since our articles now apparently have the power to bend the very fabric of the universe to our demands, we initially thought of posting pieces about outcomes that we might like to see achieved: “World Peace Finally Nailed Down;” “Kobe Comes Back to Life, Resurrects NBA Season along with Him;” “Everyone Is Able to Breathe Normally and Also Have Toilet Paper.” Shit like that. But since our writers and readers alike seem addicted to controversy, strife, and general misfortune—straight up masochists, every one of you—we decided to open the floodgates to all COVID-19 content. And boy oh boy, we got some truly viral content. (Too soon?)

We have now, all of us, together, entered a brave new world. Gone are the days of “the greatest university in the greatest city in the greatest nation in the greatest multiverse in all of existence,” or whatever they’re saying on tours these days. Gone are the days of Columbia; welcome to Zoom University. There are no facilities, no friends, and everything’s the same price as before. We have truly achieved President Bollinger’s wet dream.

Some of you have handled the transition better than others. We at The Federalist are never ones to take the moral high ground—fear of heights, you see—so we’ll stick to regurgitating some universal truths. Support each other. Be kind to anyone who needs it. There are more important things than grades. And for God’s sake, check your sources before you forward any news.

Peace, love, no, you don’t know De Blasio’s niece,
Chief