First Lady Dr. Jill Biden: “My Valentine’s Day Sex Tips”
By Marino Bubba, proud owner of the Pocket Kama Sutra
With Valentine’s Day right around the corner, I wanted to share some of my favorite (and naughtiest) tips on how to keep your sex life exciting!
1) Make “Us” Time
It can be tough to make time for you and your partner to connect. Believe me, I know. Between the move, the new job, and the rebuilding of America from the ashes of autocracy, sex can sometimes get pushed to the back-burner. But don’t despair, there’s always room for getting nasty— you just have to make it! Pick a time, unhook the emergency nuclear phone, pop a Viagra, and get it on. No more pushing aside the diaper for quickies in campaign stop bathrooms.
2) Do It Somewhere New
A new area is always sexy! And no, I don’t mean that area. (We can hardly call that “new” anymore…) I’m talking about having sex somewhere other than the bedroom! It’s amazing how much a change in scenery can get the juices flowing. Since moving to our new house, Joe and I have found plenty of nooks and crannies to get busy in, but you don’t need a mansion to get frisky. Whether it’s on the washing machine (my first love) or over the Resolute Desk (more like Resolute YES) or in the deep darkness of the basement bunker (not the only thing deep and dark), you’ll be sure to find the novelty stimulating.
3) Try a New Position
We’ve all been there: stuck in the rut of missionary, missionary, and more
missionary. Who are we, Mitt Romney? Just changing the angle of penetration (or the person doing the penetrating) can work wonders for your sexual satisfaction. Consider using these tried and true favorites:
The Filli-buster, The Amtrack Rail-line, and the Lame F*ck Period
4) Embrace Role Play
What’s hotter than pretending to be someone you’re not? Pretty much anything, if you’re an elderly, overworked public servant. So why not play pretend a little? This can be as easy as calling each other sexy names, or inventing an alter ego for yourself and your partner. I call Joe “Little Bitch Boy” and he loves calling me “Barack”, but the possibilities are only limited by your imagination. If you’re feeling extra kinky, consider playing “Kamala and the Drug User of Color” and discover the wonders of slapping handcuffs on someone who did nothing wrong!
There you have it, citizens, four of my favorite sex tips to keep your romance exciting. Together, we can unite to make a hornier America.