QUIZ: Which Apocalyptic Columbian Are You?

QUIZ: Which Apocalyptic Columbian Are You?

By Malia Simon


  1. How many different petitions have you signed and/or made in the past week?

    A) The correct one

    B) 1

    C) 5 +

    D) 0

  2. What do you know about Chad and Sabrina?  

    A) Awesome analogy for inequity!

    B) It’s a valid point, but doesn’t apply to this specific situation because

    C) I’m about to think of why I disagree with it. Just give me a second

    D) Who?

  3. Do you have a teeny, tiny dick?

    A) Yes I have a teeny, tiny dick

    B) No, it’s very large. Only if given consent, that is!

    C) This is not an appropriate question for a quiz

    D) I have an acceptable-sized dick

  4. What is your current at-home situation like?

    A) Wealthy and comfortable

    B) Wealthy and comfortable

    C) Wealthy and comfortable

    D) Pretty difficult

  5. Once again, how large is your dick?

    A) Once again, it’s teeny tiny. Stop making me say it!

    B) Large. Would you like to see it, consentually?

    C) This is still problematic

    D) I have an acceptable-sized dick.

Results 

Mostly A’s:
The Facebook Knight 
-Defender of all justice in the Facebook comment section 
-”Columbia students, do better.” 
-Left plastic utensils and Belvita bars in the lounge when they left campus, with attached sticky note that said “please take anything :)” 
-This seems like a good time to post about Bernie 

Mostly B’s: 
The Pre-Med Student
-The only person on campus who has ever worked hard for their grades
-”Just curious how many other schools have adopted the same policy” 
-Was definitely not gonna cheat on their online finals 
-Still mad about having a G-spot in their asshole 

Mostly C’s: 
The Unconditional Complainer 
-”Accidentally” signed those first 2 petitions before the better one came out 
-Film camera Instagram 
-Finds Presbo’s sentimental emails patronizing 
-Still hates their mom 

Mostly D’s: 
The Actually Disadvantaged Student 
-Hasn’t had the time or resources to be on Facebook in three weeks