Letter from the Feditors

Letter from the Feditors

Dearest Zoomees and Zoomettes,

It’s been a tough, well––you know. It’s been tough, it’s still tough, it’s gonna be tough. Not as tough as the reheated Ferris chicken, but tough nonetheless. We here at the Zoom Federalist (we renounce our titles!) have been getting through unprecedented day after unprecedented day via a rigorous diet of Trader Joe’s ice cream sandwiches and a strict schedule of stress napping every afternoon. Depression who?!

But yeah. Things are kinda crazy these days. There’s still this whole pandemic thing going on––ugh totally harshing my Halloween vibes :/––and we’ve put our collective faith in a man who looks, acts, and tastes like a bowl of unheated plain oatmeal. (nervouslaughterpleasevotehaahahahaaahhh)

And to top it all off, we’re still here writing essays about how to break free of the binary and the insidious nature of the phallic form and the fickle nature of free will, which, by the way, simply doesn’t exist. Shoutout to Brian Greene and LSD for opening our minds. 

One might even say things are a little… ~spooky~…..

Yes that’s right, in a totally unprecedented moment of inspiration, we have put together a spooky election issue of this beautiful little nowtotallyonline satirical paper. We are welcoming a wonderful crop of new staff writers and artists, and this edition features some talented frosh who are being published for! the! very! first! time!!!!!! 

In all seriousness, we are very proud of everything this staff has achieved despite these very challenging circumstances. Do we wish we could shove paper editions under your disgusting Carman suite doors? Of course! Do we wish we could plaster over every other club’s painstakingly hung posters with our perfect-for-bulletin-board doubletrucks? Duh! I’d hand-deliver each and every one of you a copy of these babies if I could. For now, though, you’re just going to have to enjoy some satire the good old fashioned way: online, from the basement of your parent’s house at 2:15 am. 

So take a look, peruse through, and have a chuckle or two. We hope you have as much fun reading it as we did making it.

As my Zoom yoga instructor Pepper would say, does anyone have any questions? No? Anyone? Okay. Warrior two. 

Hope you’re staying positive and testing negative,
Chiefs