Joe Biden Replaces Christmas with Neopaganist Yuletide Festivities
By Dessa Gerger, Yumtso Bhum, and Matt Nola, Devac worshippers
In a move that President Trump has been predicting for months, Joe Biden announced yesterday he will cancel the Christmas season and replace it with the Pagan festival, Yuletide. “Given how much I hate joy, family compassion, capitalism, and Jesus Christ himself, I will be canceling Christmas and replacing it with Yuletide, as fits my Neopaganist beliefs,” Biden stated.
At a rally in October, Trump warned America if Biden was elected, “The Christmas season will be canceled.” Trump supporters rushed to the polls in the name of holiday spirit, but after an election rife with voter fraud, America’s new reality is one of Neopaganism and no Rudolph. Instead of jolly Santa Claus coming down the chimney on Christmas morning, a man dressed as a goat (likely John Kerry) will appear on national television to pay his respects to Devac, the god of the fertile sun and the harvest.
When asked for comment, Vice President Mike Pence stated, “President Trump and I always knew that, if elected, Joe Biden would personally sacrifice a boar to Karl Marx in the Oval Office every winter, and now we will have to deal with that for the next four years.”
Hunter Biden, the president-elect’s son, was recently seen dancing naked in a field with a joint in his mouth “wassailing” in order to drive off spirits hindering crop fertility, as well as IRS auditors. When asked about this episode, Joe Biden said, “I don’t condone his drug use, but I do applaud him for his efforts to increase crop yields. Odin willing, we’ll have the best harvest in decades!”
In a press conference today, when asked if he was surprised about Biden’s announcement, Trump stated, “Me? Surprised? Of course not. My administration has seen this coming for months now. Months. Sleepy Joe is known to pray to the Pagan gods of fake news, hoaxes, and socialism. My Christian family—it’s the most Christian you’ve ever seen, ok?—prays to God for the fate of this great nation. Merry Christmas—I will not succumb.”
As of press time, Christmas trees all across the country are being stripped of their evergreen needles and are being turned into Yule logs to prepare for the upcoming festivities.