First-Year Wants to Know Where and When These Campus Parties are Happening so He Can “Report Them”

First-Year Wants to Know Where and When These Campus Parties are Happening so He Can “Report Them”

By Sam Grossman, currently on DormMatch


Graphic by Jules Michaud

Graphic by Jules Michaud

First-year Miles Holmes (CC ’24) has spent the last two weeks attempting to track down illegal campus parties in order to report them to the Columbia administration.

“I see people online talking about students having parties. It’s so irresponsible,” he said. “Like, where are they happening? How does someone get invited? Does anyone have the exact address, suggested attire, and RSVP info for events this weekend? I need to know because I want to, uh, shut them down.”

Holmes reportedly spends hours every day scouring Instagram, Snapchat, and Facebook for clues about potential parties.

“Users on Columbia Confessions claim they’re happening, and Columbia Confessions doesn’t lie,” he added.

Holmes explains that he intends to conduct thorough investigations on every lead.

“Are there any cute girls at these illicit parties? And what are their phone numbers and relationship statuses? All this information is critical if I’m going to identify and report these heinous criminals.”

Holmes urges anyone with party information to contact him at his anonymous tip line, 1-800-INVITE-ME-TO-PARTIES-IM-DESPERATE.