Columbia Cancels Winter Break
By Zoe Davidson, launching the war on Christmas
BREAKING—This morning, Interim Provost Ira Katznelson announced that the University would be canceling winter break In an email, Katznelson wrote “At the start of the fall semester, we decided to cut winter break down to two-and-a-half weeks to squeeze in Summer A and B terms. After some reflection, however, our office decided that twenty days was excessive and voted to eliminate winter break altogether.”
President Bollinger issued his own email shortly after Katznelson’s. After five paragraphs of nonsense followed by a chili recipe, Bollinger remarked, “Students don’t need a break between Fall 2020 and Spring 2021. What are you going to do with it? Wasn’t the two-day Thanksgiving break enough? ” Bollinger later continued, “In fact, I have been getting the sense that Columbia, as an institution, has been valuing the mental health of its students too highly. Finals are scheduled to end the day before Christmas Eve, it’s excessively cushy to give students a full six hours between the end of exams and the start of a major holiday. And an entire week to relax after New Years’? I’ve long advocated for re-starting classes on the morning of January 1st. It’s not like people do much the night before! And especially not amidst a global pandemic.”
Katznelson’s email stressed that students would be able to make up the lost vacation time with an early end to the spring semester: “Spring semester ends on April 30th and Summer A begins on May 3rd. This should allow students a full three days to catch their breath after 8 months of online learning. That should be plenty.” Katznelson also added “You also aren’t required to do Summer A and B. You could just take 18 credits a semester online if you want to spend your summer relaxing by doing a virtual internship or studying for the LSAT from the same tiny room you’ve been stuck in since March.”
The Fed will be providing frequent updates on the inevitable mass uprising of all 32,429 Columbia students, led primarily by kids who have birthdays over the break.