CDC Announces: “Jews Just Gotta Celebrate Christmas This Year”

 Breaking News: In Effort to Limit Holiday Gatherings, CDC Announces: “Jews Just Gotta Celebrate Christmas This Year”

By Julian Gerber, Santa’s little helper


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In a recent press release from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Director Robert Redfield revealed new COVID-19 safety guidelines in preparation for the holiday season:

“In order to limit familial gatherings this holiday season, the Jews are just going to have to take one for the team this year and forget about Hanukkah.

Eight nights is WAY too long for one damn holiday. It’s better for everyone if we can agree to just stick to Christmas this year. I mean, let’s be honest, by the eighth night you’re really just getting random shit your mom found around the house, so let’s just scrap the whole thing.

And to all you half-Jewish kids out there, don’t even fucking think about celebrating Christmas AND Hanukkah.”