It is a truth universally acknowledged that any future Columbia millionaires and billionaires hoping to secure a job from the very start of college must be in want of a finance club. And for this group, not just any finance club will do. Nay, it must be of the utmost selectivity, for how else will these elite students at an elite college signal to their community that they, from before the age of 18, could execute a perfect Discounted Cash Flow valuation? In the wake of such a truth, rumours of a new finance club at Columbia circulate amongst the aspirational Wall Street sort. This club, which would not dare to reveal its name to a group as lowly and unemployable as the humanities students of The Columbia Federalist, reportedly evaluates its potential members on so intense a set of criteria that it has currently accepted not a single student. No stock pitch will impress, and there is no answer to a behavioral question insightful enough to make an impact on the nonexistent Executive Board.
There may still be hope yet. After all, there is a new class of overzealous freshmen eager for LinkedIn posting at the ready. So come ye! Don thy Brooks Brothers suits! Practice thy handshakes! Your career may well begin and end at this juncture! Pray for providence from thy forefathers: David, Solomon, and Goldman Sachs CEO David Solomon! Time is money, and the time is now!
