International student: “US election was a lot more fun when my life didn’t depend on it”

SHITHOLE COUNTRY–Following the latest announcement by the Trump administration of major restrictions on the H1-B visa program (a coveted visa that allows many foreign workers to stay in the US), Richard Phillipson (CC ‘22) felt a sense of imposing doom as he contemplated his uncertain future in America if Trump wins a second term in the White House. “This must be how it feels to be unwelcome at a really exclusive night club,” Richard said, “I now have sympathy for all those peasants who got turned away from my birthday party at the Le Bain. I just feel like Trump thinks I am not cool enough to be in America anymore.”

When asked if these restrictions felt like a fresh blow to an already difficult situation for international students in the US, Richard said, “You bet! I feel like I have been self-rejecting my job applications all summer by clicking ‘Yes’ to the ‘Will you need visa sponsorship?’ question. It was fun and games to watch Trump and Biden shout at each other like kindergarten children as long it did not affect me but Trump is making this personal. Apparently, now I can only be employed for a job that is related to my major—what am I supposed to do with classics? At this point, I might just leave for Canada–I am a big fan of their geese.”

At press time, Richard had reportedly set up his Tinder account in search of a green card marriage, bragging that he can “navigate through covid-resricted airplane flights just as skilfully as flight of shots.”