SOUTH BEND, INDIANA––After announcing that he would be dropping out of the Democratic Presidential Primary, Mayor Pete Buttigieg has returned to his home: a cozy little mouse hole, located conveniently in the South Bend Mayor’s office. Mayor Pete, also known as “Squeaky Pete,” intends to hibernate there for the rest of the winter with his husband and fellow mouse, Chasten.
“Of course it is a disappointment to leave the race,” Mayor Pete explained to the Federalist through Stuart Little, GS ‘21 and our resident mouse-speak interpreter, “but Chasten and I are just glad to return to our cozy matchbox bed. I think we will eat a lot of cheese. . . maybe fuck around with Tom. . .you know, just mouse stuff.”
“And yes,” added Buttigieg, “ by Tom, I do mean Tom Steyer. He brought me the Gouda, but sadly, not the black vote. Someone’s gotta pay. And none of my billionaire friends will return my calls anymore.”
Mayor Pete confirmed that he intends to take a break from the public eye until the Democratic nominee is finalized, in order to “re-grow my whiskers and get my fur back to its usual silky smooth sheen.” However, he added that once the nominee is announced, he will quickly use those whiskers to start sniffing around for a cabinet position.
“I think I’d make a good Secretary of Health and Human Services, because I’m not a human. I have an outsider’s perspective on what it is like to be a human person,” explained Buttigieg. “And besides, I’d not only be the first gay cabinet member, but the first gay cabinet member who is also a mouse. If Bernie gets the nomination, I’ll flip my entire set of values and embrace Medicare for All: I know how to follow the cheese. But if it’s Biden, all I have to do is transform into a rat and I’m sure he’ll just give it to me. There’s never been a rat in public office, and we all know Joe is big into diversity.”
But while Pete’s political ambitions are far from over, for now he’s content to return to his day job. “Serving as mayor of the great city of South Bend has been the greatest honor of my life, and I am proud to continue that work. Big city politicians may look down on a small town mayor, but every time I sneak into one of my resident’s kitchens in the middle of the night to grab a few crumbs off the floor, I know that it’s worth it.”
Mayor Pete: the first openly rodent presidential candidate to win Iowa. Gone but never forgotten.