Venmo Me for Blessing You With My Superior Presence


Dear “Friend,” 

It was nice to see you today in Ferris. I enjoyed the titillating nature of our 5 minutes 38-second conversation. It was interesting to hear you speak about your failures in the lab and I even laughed at one point. On a scale of 1-5, I would rate the interaction a 3.7. Unfortunately, as you know I consider all interactions that do not rank above a 4 to be a waste of my time. I am infinitely busy fixing climate change via twitter and going through consulting recruitment so any breaks I take from these things must really be worth my time.

As you can surmise, our conversation today did not fit my stringent requirements. Therefore, I’ll be sending you an invoice over Venmo for taking up my time. The caption will read: “The Whimsicalities of Life,” and the charge will be for $6.66. The formula I use to determine this is as follows: L * T * Q * 0.1=$

L= level of friendship

I would rate you as a tier-three acquaintance (out of six possible levels), so in this case L=3.

T= time wasted

We spent 5 minutes and 38 seconds speaking, so I am rounding T up to 6.

Q= quality of interaction 

As you know, our interaction rated a 3.7

I multiply these three numbers by .1 because I don’t want to be too harsh! I know not everyone has $60 to spend every time they talk to me.

Your final charge, then, is $6.66. I would appreciate your completion of the payment as soon as possible. 

Kind Regards,

An Asshole