Beto 2020: Finally a Columbia Rower You Can be Proud of

EL PASO, TEXAS –– On March 13, 2019, Beto O’Rourke, CC ’95, announced his formal intention to run for President of the United States. The news has been met with excitement from Columbia students, especially given that Beto acts as one of few pieces of living evidence that the Columbia Men’s Rowing Team can, in fact, produce a principled member of society.

Beto has rolled out a bold and visionary platform for an imaginative future that emphasizes healing a divided nation and restoring the name of the rowing team to its former glory. In his announcement speech, he took pains to make the goals of his campaign crystal clear, saying:

“Together we can return common decency to our politics. To that end, I promise that I will not pee on anyone–Barnard student or otherwise!” This statement was met with enthusiastic cheers from Beto’s adoring crowd of teenage supporters and their mothers. 

It may seem like a longshot candidacy, but Beto has always been one to subvert the expectations of those around him. Although former peers describe the student-athlete as “nondescript,” “just another white guy at Columbia,” and “your typical athlete–you know what that means,” Beto was far more than just a rower during his time at Columbia. 

His old roommate, Mitchell Johnson commented on Beto’s success, saying, “Yeah, really no one ever expected him to amount to much – I figured he would probably sell out and be doing coke on Wall Street in five years like everyone else on the rowing team. But I guess he showed us!”

He certainly did. During the campaign, Beto is expected to embrace the man of the people image that he cultivated during his US Senate run in 2018. But inside sources tell us that Beto has also been brushing up on his Homer and Plato so that he can solicit a contribution from the Columbia trustees and that he will be desperately trying to avoid contact with the current Columbia Men’s Rowing Team all the while. It’s a tricky game to play, but if anyone can do it, it’s the man who managed to restrain himself from calling Ted Cruz a blobfish during a nine-month campaign. 

Good luck, Beto, and if you do win, be sure to come and visit our campus every once in a while. It sure would be nice to have a living presidential alum who did that.