“Money Can’t Buy You Happiness,” Says Person Who Will be Poor


COLUMBIA CAREER CENTER–-Today, Ryan Emerson CC ’21 was overheard haranguing his classmate Sasha Burke, who just accepted an offer at Morgan Stanley for the Summer of 2019, about the pitfalls of corporate life and its corrupting influence on a person’s morality. “You know,” lectured Emerson, “Money can buy you material goods, but it can’t buy you happiness.”

Emerson, who has not yet begun his internship search because it’s “too early to look for the type of stuff I’m interested in,” also expressed his deep disappointment that Burke had abandoned her sustainable development major to pursue economics and to rush AKPsi.

“I really thought that she was going to do some good in the world,” mused a distressed Emerson. “When Sasha came to Columbia, she was so idealistic. She wanted to help mitigate the AIDS crisis in Africa. And look at her now! All she talks about is coffee chats and Linkedin!”

“Well, when you’re making $30,000 in one summer, it turns out that you never really gave a shit about morals in the first place. When I’m a millionaire, I’ll establish some charity, I guess. And my charity will probably do more than Emerson will in his whole life,” said Burke in a statement to the Federalist.

Emerson admitted that he occasionally doubts his noble career goals. “I mean, yeah, occasionally I wonder if I should have gone to some Goldman networking events. Or at the very least, maybe I should have applied for a job at Google. That isn’t really selling out, is it?” he mused to a Federalist reporter.

“But then I remember just how many people are counting on me, Ryan Emerson, to deliver them from their abject states of poverty and disenfranchisement,” he concluded. “Because I have integrity, because I have principles, I won’t be selling out anytime soon,” said a triumphant Emerson. “I’ll be out there in the trenches, living in a dumpy apartment in Queens. That’s fine. In fact, I hope that I lose money this summer.”