Looking At the Scourge of First World Problems, Third World Decides to Remain in Poverty


Meeting in Johannesburg, South Africa, an international coalition of developing countries declared on Tuesday that it would refrain from economic development.  “We will do what is necessary to protect our people,” said a Bangladeshi politician.  “We have a duty to steer our countries away from the plague of First World problems.”

“We don’t want to worry about slow Wi-Fi, which Facebook profile picture will get the most likes, or whether spinach or kale has more protein,” said a Congolese representative.  “We don’t need that kind of stress.”  

“People in places like the United States have it so hard.  Speaking for the people of my country, we really wish we could do something about it,” said a Haitian diplomat.  “I saw a Sarah McLachlan commercial showing heartbreaking images of children with outdated iPhone models.  It really got to me.  I’m giving a few dollars a month to help a kid in Cleveland update to the 6s.”

As of press time, the diplomat was reportedly spearheading a UNICEF effort to donate 2-ply toilet paper to college dorms.

In an effort to raise American students from their struggles, the coalition announced an initiative to help rich-world students study abroad in poor countries.  “We hope to train scholars to be at the forefront of their country’s economic regression,” declared a spokesman.  “Without having to worry about hiding from a frat party attendee wearing the same outfit, they can spend time learning meaningful knowledge – like how to hide from Boko Haram.”

Fortunately, Columbia students must not travel far to observe a bustling model of underdevelopment.  Vice President Joe Biden, standing in solidarity with the coalition at the unveiling of the initiative, remarked: “If I blindfolded you and took you to LaGuardia Airport in New York, you must think, ‘I must be in some third world country.’ I’m not joking.”  With epidemiologists unable to mitigate the Cinnabon public health crisis and layover passengers dying of old age in LaGuardia waiting areas, experts maintain hope that America is not irrevocably advanced.