In an effort to court the elusive Jewish vote, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX), candidate for the GOP presidential nomination, announced Passover plans to paint the door of his home with the blood of homosexuals as a signal to God not to spite him.
“I know the big guy upstairs is looking for true believers on this New York holiday,” Sen. Cruz said. “As someone who fervently embraces people from all walks of life, I am extremely excited to participate in my first Passover celebration by murdering the blasphemous homosexual pagans that populate our great land and smearing their toxic blood across my door.”
The story of Passover attests that the last plague God sent against the Egyptians was the slaying of the firstborn son. To protect themselves, the Hebrews were instructed to paint their doorposts with the blood of a lamb. “The only creature I know that is as daft and disposable as the lamb is, of course, the gay,” Sen. Cruz said as he toured Greenwich Village this week, occasionally pointing to men wearing V-necks and above-the-knee cargo shorts. “They will make beautiful sacrifices! This almost reminds me of my youth, when I was the Zodia – zamboni driver, yeah, zamboni driver.”