Columbia Faces Migrant Crisis

SCHAPIRO RESIDENCE HALL – Gasping for air near the ceiling, John Goldsmith CC ’18 dug through heaps of clothes and books to show a prospective student his walk-in double.  “Here’s where I study,” Goldsmith told the prospie as he gestured to a corner.  “It also happens to be where I read, eat, and sleep standing up to save space.”

Cramped living conditions across Columbia have sunk to new lows this week, as prospective students across the country have migrated to New York City, all in need of food and shelter.  These “prospies” can be seen in nearly every overcrowded tenement, picking through dirty laundry to find a spot to sleep on hard floors.

“We’re doing our best to integrate them into this new place,” said Jessica Marinaccio, Dean of Undergraduate Admissions.  “We’re already placing many kids in classes here.”

Nevertheless, there has been significant backlash from native Columbians over the streams of prospies converging on campus.  “They’re everywhere,” said Oliver Green, CC ’17.  “These prospies just show up and expect that we give them handouts from our tuition dollars.  This place is for college students.  These kids barely know how to tie their shoes or analyze Wittgenstein.”

Still, as many as four or five individuals are routinely spotted sleeping in rooms originally intended to be closets. “I don’t mind the conditions here, mostly since we don’t really have to worry about catching typhoid or small pox in this day and age,” said George Smith, a prospective student, as his host tucked him into a drawer for the night.  “I’m just glad to be getting out of a hellscape place overrun by savages – New Jersey.”

“I’m especially grateful that my application to stay here was approved,” the prospective student continued.  “The acceptance rate is only like six percent or something.  A lot of my friends from back home weren’t so lucky.  Some of them are stuck at backwards camps in the middle of nowhere, like Cornell.”