Sophomore Determined To Get His Money’s Worth From Ferris


FERRIS BOOTH COMMONS- Nestled in the back corner between the trash cans and napkin dispensers sits Joel Brady CC ’18, barely visible behind the mountain of empty paper plates accumulating in front of him. Brady is on a mission: eat more than $13 worth of food per meal swipe. This amount is scientifically determined by “what I feel like $13 of food would look like,” according to Brady.

“I just feel like $13 is a ridiculous amount to pay for meal, especially when people are getting things like 2 apples, an omelet, oatmeal, OJ, milk, and coffee. That stuff costs, like, two bucks total. You have to really stock up! Get what you’re paying for!” Brady nearly shouted. Though he is a sophomore, this is Brady’s first year trying to game the system, because he says he was only recently alerted to the issue of food insecurity on campus thanks to the efforts of FLIP. “My parents always told me I should eat my vegetables because there are starving kids in China,” Brady explained. “Now that I know there are starving kids here, I’m damn well gonna eat as much food as I can get out of the dining halls. My parents aren’t paying for 19 swipes a week for nothing!”

Brady says he will continue to stuff his face each time he swipes into a dining through his senior year, “maybe as a performance art piece called ‘Carry that Excess Weight.’ You know, to raise awareness about the issue of food insecurity.” He has already drafted a FLIP program proposal based on scavenging, and does his part every day by “mama-birding” hungry students. Though it’s only been two weeks, Brady has already gained 12 lbs. and a small following (4 first year members of board game club who want Brady’s advice on “bulking up”). “I mean, maybe it’s not the healthiest thing, but I’m thinking about value here,” Brady declared. “If I die, give my meal swipes to my mom.”

“I’m glad he’s eating well,” Brady’s mother remarked, “I just wish he wouldn’t spend so much on crappy beer every weekend. It’s really putting a dent in our retirement savings.”